WARM UP YOUR TIVOS
In case you missed it, last week WMUR TV
news’ website had this headline: “Governor
Lynch to nominate Hicks to State Supreme Court.”
This was a saving grace for me since I was
supposed to have been following the local
media throughout 2005 and chronicling the
funniest and most outlandish headlines of
the year. As per usual, with my annoying procrastination
and habit of not saving anything, I had nothing
as of Tuesday, December 20 and was fortunate
to find someone at WMUR had the holiday kindness
to give me this gift, and to them I say, Thank
you.
But now what about the rest of the column?
I had no other contenders to compare this
headline too. Nothing to prove that I was
accumulating other contenders throughout
the year.
I figured this was a good a time as any to
renew my plug for the local Public Access
station to give me my own television show.
After all it will soon be 2006 and things
have to get better. I first put in a plug
about three years ago for “The Flatlander
Hour,” a weekly hour of quality programming
focussing on the large Flatlander population
and the natives who need to understand them
to live in harmony.
I had hoped that my rants against the current
state of Public Access would cause a few to
stand up and make a some changes; alas, that
has not happened. The local broadcasts of
City Council meetings on Public Access are
still eight or nine notches below the original
Edison Kinetoscopes of the late 1800s and
the sound quality is screaming for those dialogue
boards that helped move the action in silent
movies.
What are those people talking about? Even
the more “high tech” studioproduced
programs still hold the eerie quality of Dad
with his first video recorder filming junior
in
the grammar school play.
Once again I hate to be the one who said
“I told you so” but the frontier
of HDTV along with the drug companies insistence
that everyone actually has ADD and shouldn’t
be afraid to admit it (and spend a lot of
money to fight it) only reinforces the need
for a quality production and an entertainment
value on Public Access that needs to exist
in order to compete and keep people from switching
the channel.
Just think, no more boring interviews with
boring local people talking about boring local
issues sitting at tables with cheesy tablecloths.
Instead you’ll watch in amazement as
the same locals match wits in the “Flatlander/Native
Quiz Bowl." Who can spell
Winnipeasukee faster - a lifelong resident
or a new transplant? We'll settle that issue
and many more.
No more wasting time listening to technical
descriptions of the newest piece of equipment
at the hospital. My friend Vinnie will take
viewers on a virtual High-Definition
tour of how to use things like a hammer and
a Phillips head screwdriver (and why is it
called that?). He will also explain why a
box wrench should never be actually used on
a box., and much more.
Fuggedabout those cutesy visits to local
area businesses. Ralphie C will show you where’s
the best place for a Flatlander to find a
good meal in the Granite State? Ralphie (who
will be in silhouette during his segment as
he's still in the witness protection
program) will offer his weekly reviews of
the best places to go to get the closest to
that Flatlander cuisine you've been craving
since you moved here.
And who needs another “in-depth”
look at the new police station or middle school?
The
Flatlander Hour will take our camera crews
out on the street to where the real action
is.
Meet the "Masters Of The Dump"
as we visit local waste management facilities
and find those who know how to work the system.
We'll take you inside the minds of the natives
at our roundtable discussions, filmed at various
donut shops around the Granite State. We'll
also go, uninvited, to various contradances
and bean hole bean suppers to get an unfiltered
look at what exactly these things are all
about. And we won't leave till we have the
answers.
So, I'll leave the answer up to you. Which
would you prefer? More hours of the local
grammar school pageant that has already been
recorded on parents digital camcorders, discussions
about the school budget being held with fake
trees in that
background, inaudible arguments held in badly
lit town offices or "The Flatlander Hour?"
We need “The Flatlander Hour.”
Call your local public access provider and
insist on
seeing it on your television in 2006!!
Happy New Year!!!
